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Heartbreak

unsplash-logoYuris Alhumaydy

My boyfriend broke up with me. With a note, no less.

I woke up in the middle of the night, and he wasn’t in bed with me. I thought he had gone to the bathroom. Back to sleep, I went. He still wasn’t there when I woke up again. I looked around and realized that his bag and stuff were gone. I fumbled around in confusion, then I noticed a note on my desk. Even as I reached to turn on the light to read the note, I thought it would be something like, “I had to go somewhere. I’ll be back!” but no, it said that he didn’t love me anymore and it didn’t feel right to be with me.

It didn’t even hurt at first. I felt numb. It just didn’t feel real. I could still feel his fingers on my skin as he told me he’d missed me. That he loved me. That I belonged to him. The pathetic text messages ensued. I’m sorry for everything I didn’t do right. Can we please talk. All of them still remain delivered, not even read.

I crawled back into bed. It still smelled like him. I felt my chest tighten as my mind processed the situation. He was really gone. Just like that. And with him, gone was the future I had envisioned with him. Just a few days ago we talked about how we’d move in together next year and we’d have babies soon. All of that just disappeared overnight. I know that I have a life without him. But at that moment, it felt like my life was stolen from me.

Then I read some dumb articles like “How to Get Back Together With Your Ex” on Cosmopolitan. Then I came to my senses and moved on to “how to get over a breakup” type articles on Thought Catalog. I was experiencing 5 stages of grief all at once rather than in succession.

At some point I decided to eat. I had been on a cut, you see. I wanted to lose a little bit of body fat to get leaner and I was doing fairly well. All that went out the window for a few days. I skipped my daily ab exercises. I didn’t go on a run. Sticking to my daily routine and working out would have helped, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I went to this vegan place nearby and ordered a burger, nuggets, fries, and milkshake. Calories were the last thing on my mind. I ended up not eating the fries. Because he liked fries. We both did.

I shed some tears intermittently throughout the day, in between watching YouTube videos to distract myself. Time passed by quickly and it was evening. I just didn’t feel like I could survive the night alone if the sun goes down. I called the suicide hotline and cried to a stranger about everything. She didn’t say much to me, but saying everything I felt out loud and crying my eyes out helped me get it out of my system a bit.

We were a long-distance couple and I had flown out to Washington DC from Korea to see him. Now I had to fly all the way back home with a broken heart. And I bought a cheap ticket with a very long layover in Beijing because I didn’t have much money. China is the worst place to have a long layover, because major sources of my entertainment like YouTube and Twitter are blocked. I cried in the airport and on the airplane, and then on the bus home from the airport. I still have to hold back tears as I write this.

But that meant I had time to reflect. Not necessarily about why he had broken up with me, because that may not have had nothing to do with me at all, but about myself and my relationships in general. When we met, I wasn’t looking for a boyfriend. I even said, “What are boyfriends good for?” when he asked me if I’d wanted one. I was confident, and laid back. But when I love someone I lose myself in love. I focus so much on the person I love and forget to focus on myself. I let my feelings depend on what he does for me. As the text became more infrequent and calls became non-existent due to his work getting busier, I let that inconsistency get on my nerves. When he chose to cancel our weekend plans to be with his family, I doubted my self worth. Even this trip is a testament to that. I spent ~$2k without much hesitation just to go see him for a few days. Never would I ever dare to spend that kind of money for myself. And like that, the person that I used to be, the carefree person that he fell in love with faded away.

Maybe it’s because I’m not over the love, but I still feel like we might have a chance eventually. But now simply isn’t the time, if ever. It’s time to invest in myself. It’s time I prioritize myself until I am capable of loving someone else while loving myself to the fullest at the same time. My life, my future is not figured out at all, and I let myself overlook that thinking he is my future. From now on improving myself will be I am still hurting but at the same time I feel really good. I’m excited to be single again.

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